A restaurateur recently approached me and asked, “How can I fake that I know a customer’s name? I have a thousand regulars in my restaurant each week and can’t possibly remember all of their names.”

She was asking the wrong question. Any objective that involves faking out customers (or any form of deception) is destined to fail. Why not make a sincere effort to learn customers’ names instead?

I recognize that remembering names is not always easy. I’ll be the first to admit that I often forget a name just seconds after hearing it—especially if I’m being introduced to a group of people. Recalling names takes real effort and, for many of us, if we’re not intentional about it, we’ll miss opportunities to greet others by name.

We already know that people love hearing the sound of their own name. And when they are greeted by name, especially in a setting where they are customers, this affirms their importance as customers—and the value they bring to the business through personal spending, referrals, and loyalty.

My response to the restaurateur was this: “Rather than mislead customers by faking that you know their names, why not make the effort instead to learn them?”

I then shared with her some advice I had given to my 10-year-old son, Cole, while he was attending a tennis camp with a dozen or so peers after school. On the drive home from camp one evening, I asked Cole the name of the boy he’d been hitting with during the final drill. To my surprise, he had no idea what the boy’s name was.

When I reminded Cole that learning and using others’ names conveys respect and affirms their personal importance, he complained that there were a lot of kids and that learning all their names would be difficult.

So, together, we devised some strategies that he could use to help remember the names of all the other players at camp. We started with the names of players he already knew. There were two: Paris and Rachel. (Mmm…)

I asked him to describe Paris and he said she was tall. Then I asked him what came to mind when he thought of the name “Paris.” He said, “Paris, France.”

Next, I asked him if there was anything tall in Paris, France. He said, “The Eiffel Tower.”

Then Cole said, “I get it! To help remember her name, I will think of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.”

Exactly! (I mentioned that this is an example of a mnemonic—or memory aid—but Cole was already thinking of a way to help remember Rachel’s name…)

Cole said, “When I see Rachel again, I’ll remember that her name is the same as my cousin Rachel in Sioux Falls!”

“That’s great Cole!” I said, “You’re using an association you’re very familiar with to help remember the name of someone you’ve recently met.”

The last suggestion I gave to Cole was to repeat the name of the person he was meeting several times during the initial introduction. For example: “Rachel? I have a cousin named Rachel. My name is Cole. Nice to meet you Rachel!”

There is no easy way to remember the names of all your customers. It takes genuine effort. But it is possible to facilitate learning names by using mnemonics (e.g., Paris is tall like the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.), associations (e.g., Rachel has the same name as my cousin Rachel.), and repetition (i.e., Try to use the name three times during your initial introduction.).

Invest the time and effort to learn customers’ names and if you draw a blank, don’t try to fake it—be honest. Chances are that your customer may not readily recall your name either. This re-introduction will give you both a chance to reinforce each other’s names while strengthening the relationship.

How about you? What techniques help you to remember names?

In his book, Customer Centricity: What It Is, What It Isn’t, and Why It Matters, Peter Fader, Professor of Marketing at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, defines customer centricity as “a strategy to fundamentally align a company’s products and services with the wants and needs of its most valuable customers.”

While reading the book, I was reminded of the Aristotle quote: “There is nothing so unequal as the equal treatment of unequals.”

This is a slippery slope in customer service because, when taken to extremes, it appears to be prejudicial service, where one customer is prematurely judged as less valuable or important than another customer. (Think about the scene in Pretty Woman when Vivian, played by Julia Roberts, was snubbed by saleswomen based on her immodest appearance while shopping at an upscale boutique along Rodeo Drive.) And, of course, this is wrong.

That said, there are many who will say that all customers should be treated equally. I’d like to make a distinction here between the terms equally and equity:

• Equally means having the same value as another.
• Equity means the state, quality, or ideal of being just, impartial, and fair.

Equally means 50:50. Equity might mean 60:40 or some other unequal ratio—based on what each party needs and deserves.

I have four children. The three oldest receive allowance but their allowance is not equal. The financial needs of my 5^th Grader differ from those of his 1^st Grade sister and their individual allowances reflect that difference. Their allowance is not equal but it is equitable.

In the same way, customers who have flown 100,000 miles with an airline and achieved elite status in its frequent flyer program deserve to board the airplane ahead of those passengers who fly less often. And retail customers with a history of significant spending deserve to be notified of sales before the general public in order to preview the best selection of sale merchandise. These perks may not be spread equally among the customer base but they are distributed equitably.

I agree with Fader’s assertion that “the customer” (a generic term used to represent every customer in a company’s customer base) does not exist because every customer is different. According to Fader, “You must not only accept but celebrate the idea of customer heterogeneity (or uniqueness). By putting forth the effort to better understand the habits, tendencies, and value of each and every one of your customers, you can build better, stronger, and more profitable companies.”

So gather as much intelligence as you can about your company’s very best customers and then look for opportunities to recognize and delight them.

Doing so will reinforce their personal importance (not their importance as people—that’s equality—but their importance as customers) while recognizing the value they bring to the business through personal spending, loyalty and referrals.

I welcome all questions, comments, bouquets and brickbats.

This post is the sixth in a series that will identify 10 different obstacles that have emerged from my analysis of customer satisfaction data. Maybe you will have encountered one or more of these obstacles in your own business? The sixth obstacle is a low-trust service culture.

A low-trust service culture is evidenced by disempowered frontline employees, restrictive policies (especially warranties and returns), and overt skepticism in employees’ approach to problem resolution.

In the fall of 2004 I purchased a to-go order of lasagna from Armando’s, a local Italian restaurant. At home, after eating about one-third of the entrée, I discovered a dead fly in the pasta sauce and quickly lost my appetite. I sealed the remaining lasagna (including the dead fly) in a Ziploc bag and placed it in the refrigerator with plans to return it to the restaurant for a refund.

Within a day or two I stopped by Armando’s with the bag of partially eaten lasagna, shared my story with the employee manning the register, and requested a refund. Instead of demonstrating empathy, the employee suggested that it was not possible for the fly to have originated there, claiming, “We don’t have flies in our kitchen.”

Oh, really?

The implication was that if the fly had not come from his kitchen, then it must have come from mine. Or perhaps I had deliberately planted the fly in order to recoup the $9 cost of the lasagna—although I’d only eaten a portion of it. While he reluctantly agreed to the refund, it was quite obvious that he didn’t trust me or appreciate my feedback.

As I stood at the counter, instead of issuing my refund, the employee accepted another customer’s order, processed the transaction at the register, and then walked over to the oven, removed a pizza, sliced and boxed it, and delivered it to another waiting customer. Only then did he begrudgingly process my refund. It’s as though he was trying to punish me in some perverse way by making me wait a few extra minutes to receive my cash.

After frequenting Armando’s at least monthly for nearly three years, I made a decision that day to never return. And I haven’t.

Since that time, I’ve had two more children and, as a family, we’ve instituted “Family Fun Fridays” which consist of a pizza dinner followed by a movie and popcorn. Due to work schedules and kids’ activities, we miss some Fridays but I estimate that we order about 68 pizzas a year (34 weeks x two pizzas) from competitors of Armando’s: Papa Murphy’s and Anthony’s.

Our average pizza bill is $20 or $680 per year. Since the fall of 2004, we’ve spent about $4,760 on pizzas. If I were to guess, I’d say that Papa Murphy’s has earned about 80% of that total ($3,808) and Anthony’s has received the balance ($952). While these are estimates, I can say with certainty that Armando’s share has been zero.

Armando’s has forfeited its share of $4,760 because an employee exhibited low-trust by questioning the legitimacy of a customer’s feedback and request for a $9 refund.

This is not a unique story. Everyone reading this post has a similar experience to share—perhaps many. The valuable lesson to be learned is this: Be intentional about fostering a high-trust service culture. This commitment should be reflected in the policies of a business and the behavior of its employees.

Will every customer be trustworthy? No. There are unscrupulous customers who will take advantage of liberal return policies and other gestures of high-trust.

But it’s a mistake to scrutinize the motives of 100% of your customers in order to identify the 3% who are trying to take advantage of you. Not only is it a poor use of time and energy, if you offend a customer in the process, it may cost you dearly.

Just look at what it’s costing Armando’s…

According to a study by J.D. Power and Associates, when a hotel guest’s problem is resolved perfectly, it results in overall satisfaction averaging 80.7, compared to only 74.9 if there was no problem to begin with.

And the more satisfied a hotel guest is, the more he’ll likely spend. The same study found that guests who rate their overall satisfaction as a perfect ten on a ten-point scale, on average, spend about 40 percent more on ancillary services—like hotel restaurants, gift shop, business center, and other offerings—than guests offering a rating of six or seven.

It may seem counter-intuitive for satisfaction to increase when a hotel guest experiences a problem but when you think about the different relationships in your life, it begins to make sense.

All of us have relationships with others ranging from superficial to deep. Superficial relationships are those where conversations revolve around “safe” topics such as the weather, pop culture or the big game. These relationships are rarely tested in any meaningful way. Instead, they are predictable. Loyalty and commitment do not come into play.

We also have relationships that are deeper and more substantial. These are relationships that have been tested—experiencing both highs and lows. We tend to feel more of a responsibility to these relationships. There is greater loyalty and commitment.

J.W. Marriott, Sr. had a favorite poem, Trees, which was inscribed on a piece of wood outside his office door:

The tree that never had to fight for sun and sky and air and light, but stood out in the open plain and always had its share of rain, never became a forest king but lived and died a scrubby thing…Good timber does not grow in ease: The stronger the wind, the tougher the trees.

This poem reinforces the connection between tension and growth. Although it’s human nature to label problems as bad and try to avoid them at all costs, it turns out that the conflict we often encounter as a result of problems experienced may actually reinforce relationships.

A solid relationship, like good timber, does not grow in ease. When customer relationships are tested by the inevitable setbacks that occur in a complex business with lots of moving parts, reframe these problems as opportunities to strengthen relationships.

And be encouraged by the poet’s conclusion: The stronger the wind, the tougher the trees.

Have you ever noticed the similarities between attracting a prospective customer and wooing a mate?

There are lots of similarities when you think about it. For example, before the relationship develops, there may be frequent but informal contact. In business, that may look like a weekly e-newsletter that over time (as trust is established) results in a client project. In a personal relationship, it may take the form of frequent encounters at the corner Starbucks.

As it blossoms, there is usually lots of attention and care given to the relationship. In business, this is evidenced by asking questions of understanding, attentive listening, clarifying expectations, and responding to needs. In a personal relationship, these behaviors also apply.

Another similarity is that after the honeymoon phase, personal attention and care tend to diminish. Clients tend to hear from you less often and may need to leave a second message before you respond. And your mate may long for the time when you looked dreamily across the table, a slight smile on your face, while hanging on her every word.

But today you have competing priorities and don’t feel that you can be as responsive as some customers and mates require. And for this reason, among others, not every story has a happy ending…

That said, there are actions you can take immediately whether serving a customer or someone with whom you have a bit more of a, shall we say, intimate relationship, that will keep their eyes from wandering to the “competition.”

Express genuine interest. With customers, this is accomplished by making eye contact, smiling, and adding enthusiasm to your voice. Also, asking questions about preferences and being responsive to needs signal genuine interest. Chances are, your significant other appreciates the same type of attention.

Offer sincere and specific compliments. Genuine compliments make everyone feel better about themselves. A compliment is verbal sunshine. Shine on.

Share unique knowledge. In a customer service setting, this means sharing knowledge that goes beyond job knowledge that is expected (e.g., hours of operation, return policy, etc.). Unique knowledge has character and substance. It is interesting, unique, and unexpected (e.g., the history of the location, privileged “insider” information, etc.). Similarly, personal relationships benefit by sharing insights and feelings that transcend the expected (e.g., “How was work?”) and demonstrate personal interest (e.g., “Tell me about your day.”).

Convey authentic enthusiasm. We all do this differently. Some are bubbly. Others are less animated but equally enthusiastic. It’s easy to detect whether at work or home. They move with purpose. The lights are on. They are engaged.

Use appropriate humor. The key word is appropriate. With customers you need to use discretion and keep it professional so as not to offend. In personal relationships, you have a bit more leeway. Either way, laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Provide pleasant surprises. Have you ever received an unexpected upgrade on a flight, at a hotel, or when renting a car? How did it make you feel? It’s a positive feeling that can be replicated again and again with something as simple as a card, a bottle of water, or a single rose…

Deliver service heroics. This sort of action is rarely required of us. It’s the exception, not the rule. But when the situation requires it and we go “above and beyond” in order to wow our customer (e.g., meet an overnight deadline) or impress that someone special (e.g., breakfast in bed), it makes a lasting positive impression that reaffirms her importance and reinforces the relationship.

My hope for everyone reading this post is that you would find some truth in it. Reflect on the quality of your own personal customer service to those people who matter the most to you at work and at home.

Are you developing relationships by demonstrating the types of behaviors outlined above or are you communicating indifference by merely going through the motions?

Be intentional about applying these behaviors and I assure you that your most important customers—both professionally and personally—will appreciate you for it and, most importantly, will only have eyes for you.

Who should you service first?  The customer who’s phoning or the one standing right in front of you?  There’s a real double standard here among customers.  When you’re the one calling, you expect the employee to answer promptly and assist you right away without being put on hold.  However, when you’re the one standing in line waiting to be served you may expect that you should take priority over callers.

There’s a take and bake pizza store in my neighborhood that receives lots of phone orders.  Customers then arrive at the store and wait in a line to pick up the pizza order they phoned in.  Eventually they make their way to the front of the line where the employee working the register finally acknowledges them.  At this point customers are at the mercy of the phone.  If it rings, as it often does, they will have to wait another couple of minutes for the employee to take a phone order or two before their pizza is rung up.

On a Wednesday afternoon, it’s not so bad but on a Friday night?  The line of customers waiting to pay coupled with the volume of customers calling in their pizza orders creates tension.  I mean, really, you can sense it when you enter the store and can see it clearly in the body language of customers and employees alike.

Once, after waiting an inordinately long time to pay for my order, I actually considered using my cell phone to call the store and when they answered, saying something like, “Hello.  Hey, do you see that guy standing in front of the register holding a $20 bill?  Uh huh, right—the guy on the cell phone.  That’s me.  And I’d appreciate it if you’d stop answering the phone and ring up my pizza so I can get out of here.”

I’m sure the frontline hourly employee who faces this dilemma likely feels frustrated himself.  Chances are he hasn’t been trained in how to properly handle such situations.  Sadly, this fosters an adversarial relationship with customers who are then viewed by employees as impatient and unreasonable—as opposed to the source of their livelihoods.