From time to time, seminar participants ask me, “What’s the best way to deal with difficult customers?”

My standard answer is: “They’re only difficult if you’ve labeled them that way.”

I prefer the adjective “discriminating” in place of “difficult.” Consider the definitions of each:

Discriminating: discerning; noting differences or distinctions; perceptive; having excellent taste or judgment

Difficult: hard to please or satisfy

Oftentimes, when customers complain it’s because their expectations haven’t been met. This is not an indication that a person is hard to please. It’s a signal that he has noted a difference between what he originally expected and what he ultimately received.

Too often, employees go on the defense is these situations. You can see it their faces. Their smiles fade and they may fold their arms. As they begin to speak, the tone of their voice becomes a bit more serious—even condescending as they retreat to the safety of “policy” and “terms and conditions.”

Yesterday, I observed a visibly disappointed customer at Office Depot. He was upset that, in the middle of processing his order, an employee in the print center left for several minutes to assist a customer in another part of the store. Eventually, he was approached by a store supervisor.

He wasn’t hard to please. He simply noted a difference between what he originally expected (timely fulfillment of his print order) and what he ultimately received (an unexpected delay without explanation).

I observe these confrontations on occasion and am always pleased when employees are willing to let the customer vent and take the time to really listen for understanding. More often than not, customers simply want to be heard and have their complaints be acknowledged and validated.

A great technique to demonstrate that you fully understood the customer’s complaint is to paraphrase (not parrot) the facts and feelings you heard while the customer vented. An apology may also be in order—whether or not you were at fault.

For example, the Office Depot supervisor could have responded to the customer with, “I apologize that you had to wait while Mark assisted another customer. It’s frustrating when there’s no communication about how long the wait will be.”

The supervisor may then choose to complete the print job personally and, perhaps, discount the order to compensate for the unexpected delay.

Upon completion, the supervisor should reinforce her earlier apology, make the customer aware of the discount applied to the order, and express appreciation for the feedback by saying something like, “My name’s Laura. I’m a supervisor and will share your experience with the entire team in order to improve our responsiveness and communication in the future.”

It’s true. Some customers are more discriminating than others. But these customers are not “difficult.” They present unique opportunities for employees to heighten their sense of urgency, attention to detail, and follow-up in the pursuit of excellence.

Thanks for reading. I welcome all questions, comments, bouquets, and brickbats.

The week before Christmas, I brought my car in for maintenance. The dealership offers both a waiting area as well as a shuttle service to take you to local destinations while your vehicle is being serviced.

While leaving my keys with the service department, I inquired about the shuttle driver and learned that he was off site and would return in the next 10-15 minutes. I then asked the rep if he’d have the driver locate me in the waiting area upon his return in order for me to run a local errand while my car was being serviced.

The rep agreed, made note of my name and cell phone number, and assured me that it would be no more than 15 minutes.

So far, so good.

While I was sitting in the waiting area, a client called. I took the call and moved to a quiet corner of the waiting area to talk.

Within five minutes or so, the shuttle driver appeared and called out my name. I motioned to the driver that I was on the phone and would be a few minutes.

The driver left the area, returning a few minutes later.

As I was listening to my client and taking notes in my planner, the driver walked towards me, pointed to his watch, motioned for me to wind things up and said, “I’ve got places to go.”

Stunned by his actions, I instructed him not to wait on me and that I would just take the next available shuttle. Clearly annoyed, he let out an audible sigh, turned, and walked away.

Think about the irony of this situation: Because I’m making myself available to serve a client over the phone, I’m reinforcing his decision to hire me. Because he hires (and compensates) me, I can afford to have my vehicle serviced at the dealership. Because I’m servicing my vehicle at the dealership, there’s a need for a shuttle driver. And because there’s a need for a shuttle driver, this employee has a job.

After my call ended, I approached the dealership’s general manager and we sat together briefly in his office.

I shared what had happened, recognizing my contribution to the misunderstanding. I realize that conflict doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Conflict is the result of a failure to meet expectations—and I clearly did not meet the shuttle driver’s expectations. After all, I had requested the shuttle service and then wasn’t available when the driver returned. I get that.

Even so, I told the GM that the driver’s behavior made me feel devalued as a customer. His dealership spends a lot of money to evoke certain feelings from its customers and I’m certain ‘devalued’ isn’t one of them.

What the GM did next cemented my loyalty to his dealership and the Cadillac brand.

He said, “Here, take my car” as he handed me the key to a white CTS in the parking lot.

As we walked from his office to the showroom, he apologized on behalf of the shuttle driver, thanked me for my business and said, “Take as long as you need. I’m here until 7 o’clock.”

Misunderstandings are inevitable. How employees respond to them, however, is optional. Those employees who truly value customers, seek understanding, and give customers the benefit of the doubt (or, in some cases, the keys to their car), are one step closer to resolving misunderstandings—and creating loyal customers.

If you studied management anywhere along your journey, then you may recall the seminal Harvard Business Review article by Sterling Livingston titled Pygmalion in Management.

Essentially, the article dealt with the self-fulfilling prophecy (or Pygmalion effect from Greek mythology) in management—a supervisor’s expectation of a subordinate’s performance that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, for better or for worse.

The same thing is true in customer service.

Pygmalion in service suggests that there is a very real self-fulfilling prophecy in the delivery of customer service when an employee’s expectation of company standards and service levels directly or indirectly influences his or her attitude and performance.

Why is customer service consistently better at a luxury or full service hotel than an economy or select service hotel? And why do many high-end retailers have reputations for providing exceptional customer service while discounters generally are known for good prices but mediocre customer service? Why do we tend to receive better customer service at a fine dining restaurant than at a quick service restaurant?

I’m sure some of you are thinking: “Well, Steve, the high-end brands that you’re referring to have chosen to invest more money in their delivery of customer service. It’s reflected in everything from the customer to employee ratio to the fresh-cut flowers in the restrooms.”

I get that reasoning but it only addresses half of the equation.

Every business is made up of processes (like staffing models and restroom accents) as well as the attitudes of its people. And, while there is a cost associated with upgraded processes, there’s no such cost associated with upgraded employee attitudes. They’re free.

Employees choose their attitudes. Positive attitudes towards customers and customer service (conveyed by smiling, eye contact, and adding enthusiasm to one’s voice) are optional—which explains why you and I seldom encounter positive attitudes from enthusiastic and engaged employees.

There’s no reason for a front desk clerk at a Super 8 motel not to smile and welcome a guest similar to a front desk clerk at a Four Seasons hotel. There’s nothing stopping a cashier at Walmart from making eye contact with a customer in the same way a salesperson does while ringing up purchases at Nordstrom. And there’s no excuse for a server at Anthony’s Pizza & Pasta to not add enthusiasm to her voice like a server at Christini’s Ristorante Italiano in Orlando, Florida.

As managers, you tend to get what you expect. Expect your employees to embrace your organizations’ high customer service standards. (They are high, right?) And expect your employees to choose attitudes daily that are positive, helpful, and engaging. (Just like the attitudes you model, right?)

Do this and you will create a Pygmalion effect in customer service that elevates the performance expectations of your employees—regardless of whether or not they work at Nordstrom or Four Seasons.

Our clothes dryer stopped working late last week and the part I ordered from GE was not scheduled to arrive until Monday. Having four kids, a functional dryer over the weekend is a must!

So we washed our clothes and, afterward, brought them to a neighbor’s house to dry in her dryer. As my wife was leaving our neighbor’s house she said, “Just give me a call when the dryer stops and I’ll come back and pick them up.”

About an hour later my wife received a call from our neighbor and went over to retrieve the clothes. When she arrived, she found the clothes neatly folded and stacked inside the laundry basket. Wow!

We were delighted by the generosity and thoughtfulness of our neighbor. Our expectation had simply been to borrow her dryer and retrieve a basketful of clothes and yet we were pleasantly surprised as our expectations were exceeded. Our relationship grew stronger and a lasting memory was made.

Now, consider the implications of treating customers in this way. Most companies are in the business of creating promoters—those customers who are the least price-sensitive, have the highest repurchase rates, and are responsible for between 80 and 90 percent of positive referrals to a company or brand. Simply meeting expectations does not produce promoters. Promoters result from consistently exceeding expectations and, when possible, delighting customers!

A great example of a company that consistently exceeds customer expectations is Zappos.com. At Zappos, exceedind customer expectations is the cornerstone of its marketing, preferring to rely on positive referrals and repeat purchases from its legion of promoters rather than expensive ad campaigns. In fact, 75% of Zappos’ sales come from repeat customers. In an October 17, 2008 interview in Advertising Age, Zappos CEO, Tony Hsieh said, “We actually take a lot of the money that we would have normally spent on paid advertising and put it back into customer experience. We’ve always stuck with customer service, even when it was not a sexy thing to do.”

Each Zappos new hire—everyone from the chief financial officer to the children’s footwear buyer—is required to go through four weeks of customer-loyalty training. In addition, Zappos offers free delivery, free returns, and a 365-day return policy to demonstrate its commitment to exceptional customer service. It even quietly upgrades the experience by accelerating shipping from four-to-five-day to second-day or next-day, in order to pleasantly surprise customers.

Meeting expectations is predictable, process-focused, and transactional. Exceeding expectations is unexpected, people-focused, and experiential. My wife and I were delighted when our neighbor pleasantly surprised us by exceeding our expectations. Acts of service like this strengthen relationships and create lasting memories. They are what turn neighbors into friends.

By looking for opportunities to take an extra step and pleasantly surprise your customers, you can have a similar effect—turning customers into promoters.